He knew kung fu and beat the crap out of me.

:p

I took karate once but I always used to get the crap kicked out of me as I could never get my shoes & socks off quick enough

And other such racist nonsense :-D

Edited 23 March, 201313 yr by macpdm

Whats the best thing about shagging 26 year olds?

Theres 20 of them

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

You should all be ashamed for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled!

They can't even stand up for themselves.

What did hitler get when he got to heaven?

His gasbill

Whats the best thing about shagging 26 year olds?

Theres 20 of them

Crying haha

Gary Glitter and Jimmy Saville were pulling their wallets out for a pint in the local, when Jimmy said to Gary "swap you two fives for a ten"..

Ethiopians are the best women to get head - you know they'll swallow.

What's 18ins long, hard, and makes women scream at night? Cot death.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

You take your shoes off on a trampoline

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

Englishman, Cuban, Russian and Polishman on a train.

Russian sips from a litre of his finest vodka before throwing it out the window - plenty more where that came from, he said.

Cuban sparks one of his finest cigars and throws it out the window after just one pull - plenty more where that came from,he said.

Englishman picks up the Polishman and throws him out the window..

Englishman, Cuban, Russian and Polishman on a train.

Russian sips from a litre of his finest vodka before throwing it out the window - plenty more where that came from, he said.

Cuban sparks one of his finest cigars and throws it out the window after just one pull - plenty more where that came from,he said.

Englishman picks up the Polishman and throws him out the window..

Lol!

What's 18ins long, hard, and makes women scream at night? Cot death.

hahahahahahahaha

My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse.I asked how do you tell them apart ? He said oh thats easy, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Keith's got a moustache and big set of bollocks.

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. She said to me 'Have you got a nickname?' l said "Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge' She giggled and said 'Is that cos you're a smooth ride?' l said "No, it's because l always get pulled by fukin dogs"

Hardest part of shaggin' kids?

Putting the nappy back on afterwards..

Hello mate, do you fancy a Para Olympics night out next Saturday? Charity disco in aid of women born without legs.... The place will be crawling with fanny!

There have been a lot of ups and downs in the Paralympics today.Most of them Downs.

The Chinese Paralympic 5-a-side team has been revealed:

Sim Pul idiot

Won Lim Gon

Won Kee Eye

Fu Kin Mong

Fernando Torres

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier today. Going for a shit could spell trouble!

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "Thats my fucking pizza."

What's 6 inches long and won't get sucked this valentines? Whitney houstons crack pipe

I took my dog to the dole office to c what he was entitled to. The bloke behind the desk calld me an idiot,n said we dont give benefits to dogs! So i argued why not? Hes brown,he stinks,hes never worked a day in his life and cant speak a word of english...man said ok his 1st payment will be in the post monday

I was rummaging around in the loft today when i came across a box of old Porno Mags. I thought blimey i aint seen these in a few years, all the girls must be teenagers by now.

dave: i heard your going out with my ex ? how does a used pussy feel ?

bob: well what can i say ? after the first 2inches just like a new one.

Teacher... "Billy, if you had 5 sweets and Abdul asked for 1, how many would you have left?"

Billy... "5"

the 2012 olympics was like any other day in london, a gun shot went off and 10 black people legged it.

How many Irish people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, the other to drink until the room spins.

Why did Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

Why are choir girls better than choir boys? They double up as choir boys if you turn 'em over.

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says,

"I remember it well."

"OK," he says,

"how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?"

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, ! leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old mandrops his trousers.

She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is!

As the couple passes, he says to them,"That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't a fucking electric fence."

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says,

"I remember it well."

"OK," he says,

"how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?"

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, ! leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old mandrops his trousers.

She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is!

As the couple passes, he says to them,"That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't a fucking electric fence."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is an appeal, for just two pounds.

Ranji is just seven years old. He's an orphan here in Bihar, where he has no clean water.

He lives in a shanty squalour just six feet wide and shares it with fourteen disease-ridden children.

Ranji has one arm, one leg, is blind and he has to cycle eleven miles a day to get food on a very rusty 1930s adults bicycle with two flat tyres, no brakes, bent pedals and half the spokes missing. Despite having no teeth he will have only hard stale bread on his return journey.

Ranji won't recieve a penny, but for just two pounds we'll send you the video - it's fucking hilarious!

Thats cruel Mikey.....

But i like it