Statistically, 9/10 people enjoy gang rape.

I was on a porn site the other day and ordered an inflatable sex doll. I wasn't gonna get the muslim one at first, but then i realised it blew itself up..

What goes "click, click, have i done it? click click click now? click click click.. click.. what about now?" A blind man playing a Rubiks cube.

Why shouldn't the queen drive? She's a woman.

BOOM. You're all going to hell

I treated my last patient of the day, closed the surgery and walked into town for a quick pint.

As I ordered a drink, a man collapsed at the other end of the bar, having a heart attack.

His wife panicked, and in tears shouted, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Unfortunately for the man, there was nothing I could do to save him.

If she'd asked if there was a doctor in the pub, my pedantry wouldn't have even come into it.

I recently got a new job as a bus driver.

My boss said to me, "Today you start on the one-man buses, meaning you do both jobs. Collect the fares and drive the bus."

Later that day the bus hit a tree. I was collecting the fares upstairs at the time of the crash.

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

A doctor was staring into his pint after work, feeling terribly guilty. "Can't believe i had sex with a patient" he thought.

Then one part of him thought, "but you're single, she certainly liked it, what's the problem..?"

Then he had another thought.. "but dude, as vet that's just not right."

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Pope John Paul II?

The Pope died a virgin..

Woman walks in doctors with baby, concerned about baby's health. Doc takes a look at it. "Is he breast fed?" asks the doc. The woman says he is. So the doc asks her to strip down to the waist for a full breast examination, feeling her nipples, breasts, all he needs to do. "Well there's the problem" he says, "you haven't got any milk." As she puts her bra back on, she replies "Well i know that, i'm his grandmother, but i appreciate it all the same.."

We need more.....

I was unable to satisfy the wife in bed last night, so after a big fall-out, she ended up in the spare room, finishing herself off with a vibrator.

I hate having to go out to work after we have a night like that.

It takes me twenty minutes to get the battery back in the car.

Told my RAF mate over the two-way radio, just seen the most gorgeous girl I'd ever seen.

"Roger that." he replied.

I said, "So would I mate, so would I."

"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.

God was telling St.Peter in heaven he needs a holiday, and asks St.Peter if he has any ideas where he should go..? So St.Peter suggests Mercury. "Nah, it's too hot there atm" says God.

"What about Mars?" suggests St.Peter.

"Bit dead these days, nothing to do" moans God.

"How about Earth then?" says St.Peter.

God replies, "Earth? Fuck that, they're proper gossip monkeys man. Last time i went there, 2000 years ago, i fucked some jewish bird and they're still talking about it.."

I've just been the psychiatrists, on the surface of it, it's bad news, he says I've got delusion schizophrenia.

But I can cope....

Because I'm Batman!

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and

without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great… that's just bloody great… some asshole's got my pen!

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said,

"Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A shag ", Paddy replies

Edited 29 March, 201313 yr by philpheasant

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,

the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,

which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

.

I was invited to run a marathon on easter sunday for charity. But i wasn't keen, thinking i'd come last. Then i was told it was for spastics, and i thought 'oh, well then, i might even win!'

Why don't black people take aspirin? They're too proud to pick the cotton wool out the bottle.

Jonny calls in sick, so his boss says "my god man, this is the fifth time this month, just how sick are you?" Jonny says "well i'm in bed with my 10yo sister"

What's white, sits on the end of your bed, and takes the piss out of you? A kidney dialysis machine.

I've got some new aftershave, it smells like bread.

The birds love it!

No less than 96 countries took part in the 2013 Boston Marathon. Truly mind blowing..

I'm always amazed at how quickly topical jokes are made up, then spread!

As far as i know, it hasn't yet been spread. But you're welcome to be the first

They say you get safety in numbers.... yeah? tell that to 6 million jews.

^ffs lol that always come out

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "Fucking brilliant!"

Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs.....

Steven Hawking after a house fire

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs.....

Steven Hawking after a house fire

you thought Jesus was good walking on water well Stephen hawking runs on batteries.

Stephen hawking can now have sex after they disabled his pop up blocker

Having just done a checkover on it, I took a mate's Elise out for a spin today. Drove it like a Spanish train driver!

It's alright though - handles like it's on rails!

I could hear my sister having sex in her room last night.

I ran into my parents room and said "mum are you going to do something about that?"

She replied, "It's your fathers birthday, Let him have fun!"

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs.....

Steven Hawking after a house fire

you thought Jesus was good walking on water well Stephen hawking runs on batteries.

Stephen hawking can now have sex after they disabled his pop up blocker

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.

She stood him up...

And he immediately fell on the floor.

Stephen Hawking is so paranoid, always looking over his shoulder.

A thought. If I enter Stephen Hawking against his will, am I a rapist or a hacker?