Just been to help a neighbour with a 1.9TDI that would not start.

Yesterday:

Neighbour "Can we borrow your jump leads?"

Me "I'm off out all day. Do you know how to use them?"

Neighbour "My husband will do it"

Me "Okay here you are."

This afternoon.

Neighbour "It would not start. How do you plug them in?"

20 minutes trying to jump start it with 2 sets of jump cables beginning to get warm.

Me "How long since you drove it?"

Neighbour "In January"

Me "About 2 weeks?"

Neighbour "No just after Christmas".

Me "Okay, well the battery is flat. It's so flat I don't trust my meter. It says 3.8 volts."

Neighbour "How do you plug them in the mains? Those self charging batteries..."

Me "You need a battery charger. Mine is still broken from when I lent it last winter."

Neighbour "I've got a new charger. £14 from Wilko's but it doesn't work. The power light flickers but the charging light does not come on."

Me "Have you got an extension cable?"

Neighbour "Yes why?"

Me " You can plug it into that."

Neighbour emerges with the Wilko charger and the most ragged cable. I refit the socket.

I connect the charger.

Neighbour "Oh, connect to both sides of the battery. I didn't know that piece of plastic lifted up."

Me "The plastic flap with + on? How did you..."

Neighbour "Both clips to that end. See the power light is on but the charging one is not".

Me "But it would spark if you did that. I'll clean the contacts."

Neighbour "It might be a fuse".

Me "We are connecting straight to the battery.."

Neighbour "No, in the charger"

Me "Really?"

Neighbour "What's that orange thing in the charger?

Me "It's a mini blade fuse."

Neighbour "I'll get some pliers..." Runs off and returns with some pliers

Me "I've got it out with my fingers. Five amp fuse with a barbecue in the middle."

Neighbour "The first one didn't work either. I took it back to the shop and got a replacement. I've kept the receipt."

Me "We just need a fuse. Not a new charger."

Neighbour "I've got a bag of fuses." Runs off and returns with a bag of fuses.

Me "It's very unlikely you'll have the right one"

Neighbour "They were a present from my sister"

Me "Amazing -that's an orange one same as this. Same size. It says 5 on the side."

I unplug fron the extension cable. Insert the fuse. Plug back into the extension cable. The charging light comes on.

Neighbour "See I knew you could fix it"

Me "Well it's charging now - but I suspect a cell in the battery is dead".

Neighbour "I can get a new gearbox for £40. Could you fit that?"

Me "That's cheap. Why? What's wrong with the gearbox"

Neighbour "The car does not like 3rd gear ... or reverse. I just drive in 1 and 2. And I've got some brake dicks and shoes from euro. Could you fit those?" Shows me some Eicher discs and pads in the boot.

To be continued.

next time..."no i aint got no jump leads sorry"

you'l be to blame for any electical probelems that appear over the next 12 years

seriously, DO NOT HELP ANYONE who has no understanding of how a car works. any natural fault will become your problem. They will kill their engine by not topping the oil or water up but because you touched it wht week before its your fault so will want compenation in some form

seriously, DO NOT HELP ANYONE who has no understanding of how a car works. any natural fault will become your problem. They will kill their engine by not topping the oil or water up but because you touched it wht week before its your fault so will want compenation in some form

This is what worries me about working on other people cars.

Plus everyone seems to start off with small jobs like a service or new discs and pads and before you know it they are asking you to do a full on restoration.

My favorite car conversation however goes something like this, usually with a clueless girl.

Clueless girl: My car is running a bit rough, can you fix it?

Me: Whats the issue?

Clueless girl: Just seems to chug along and doesn't have much power

Me: When was it last serviced?

Clueless girl: It was MOT'd a couple months ago

Me: That's nice but when did you service it?

Clueless girl: Do they not do that at the MOT?

Believe it or not I have that conversation with a different person at work at least once a week. No wonder modern cars don't last much more than 10 years!

I had to physically take my Mrs to take her car for a service after I found out the reason her last one died was because she didn't service it once in the 5 years she owned it....

I have this at work all the time as I'm the only one who shows an interest in cars. Have done a few bits of electrical and emergency repairs before but always refuse anything more as I don't want the hassle

Memories of impounding and servicing my mates ex's car after she pulled up with sparks coming out of the wheels.

I was chatting with one of my managers at work the other day (I work at Lidl so there's no real grounds for car interest unless it's a hobby) and he revealed that his 52 plate Ford Focus that he's owned for 8 years has never had a service. I strongly advised him to get one done as I'm surprised it's even still running at this point! Over time he's had things like the brakes done, but only when they were so worn they weren't effective and he said it's never had an oil change in his ownership.

The motor equvalent of "can you fix my computer?", can relate

We had a guy come a buy a MK3 golf front sub frame as he wanted to convert a MK2 golf to a VR6. Fine thinking this guy knows what his doing until he pointed at the MK2 golf we have in the unit ABF with bike carbs.

Guy “Wow! I want to convert my VR6 to bike carb and there is a set just like that on eBay going cheap should I get it?”

Me “if you only want 4 cylinders working”

Guy “What? Will it not work with those carbs?”

ME “VR6 has 6 cylinders so 6 inlets. This has 4 so no.”

Guy “ooooohhh so should I not buy the carbs?”

ME “No. Stick to fuel injection and good luck”

Edited 16 February, 201511 yr by residentmelon

sure that will be a safely executed conversion

My plumber had his cam belt snap. Not once but twice! The first time with a hefty bill the second time not so bad but you think you'd learn from the first time. The T4 is still going though.

I'm sure every one has that one 'friend' on facebook who messages them once in a while to ask 'Is £200 expensive for a bumper respray' 'Do you know where to get a gearbox for a corsa?' 'My car's making a funny noise do you know what it is'

Edited 16 February, 201511 yr by vdoubleu

The motor equvalent of "can you fix my computer?", can relate

I fixed my friends laptop once and his charging port broke 3 weeks later. Was my fault of course :P

Doing a build for a friend an ABF into a MK1 cab. First of all the car was running with a 1.8 carb engine really nice. then the lad got some else to put the ABF in not running and with a Hydraulic gearbox. Why I don't know for me it's get the car looking nice then engine afterwards. We took the gearbox off and replaced it with a standard cable one.

He also asked me for advice on suspension.

Me "Is it for show or daily?"

Guy "Daily"

Me "Ok Decent shocks 40mm lower or don't go lower than horizontal on the lower arm"

Guy "Ok I give the shop a ring"

Guy "just brought £650 spax adjustable coil overs, because the salesman said I would have to use the old struts."

Me "Your car doesn't have struts the shocks are the struts and the hub bolts on, the guy was a salesman he was meant to sell the most expensive stuff"

He also brought a rear strut brace. it's does fit at the convertible is different and has metal plate that sits over the rear top mount just enough space to get a spanner in

I have so many stories from this one car build it's stupid

The engine he got for it was a "Runner" we got it and took the rocker cover off and the tappets were rusty. been sitting outside with on protection. Cleaned it up to find that the once in the car and turning over it was knackered low compression on cylinder 2 90PSI

Guy "the guy told me it's was running, did you get it started?"

ME "NO it's knackered"

Guy "how are the bike carbs"

ME "The car does not run, so I can't check the carbs"

He also went out a got another MK1 Cab with a 1.8 8v with cross flow head running on bike carbs. fine running but a little sluggish take it to our turner. The last owner has been running the car with no air filter and all the crap has been sucked into the bottom end and is knackered.

We are now banning our friend from buying modified cars or car bits.

He keeps moaning why doesn't it work or says it's simple to fix or someone said it was easy to put in.

Well come down and help us then if it so simple.

Edited 17 February, 201511 yr by residentmelon

people that stupid should have their licence revoked!

I've also asked someone when they're going to service their car. 1.2 3 pot 6v 9n are notorious for being really crappy engines. Guy buys car on 80k, ends up on 130k. Have you serviced it's since you've had it? Ermm yeah it had it's MOT not long ago. Fighting a losing battle with some people. Not long after this his car was scrapped after it's timing chain skipped badly.

I have also genuinely had someone ask me if their spark plugs could be the reason why their 1.9tdi won't start

There's a bangernomics argument that he's got 50k out of a car and spent next to nothing on it, but, no.

I love the ones who come to you telling you what's wrong with the car and how to fix it "but could you just look at it for me and tell me what you think?"

Or even worse:

Them: "Can you look at my car? Its making a funny noise."

Me: "Sure"

You look at the car and find the wheel nearly hanging off.

Me: "Its a wheel bearing. You're probably looking at a couple of hundred pounds."

Them: "Well my brother-in-law said that it's just brake pads and it wouldn't cost more than £80"

Me: "Oh right, is your brother-in-law a mechanic?"

Them: "No."

End of conversation.

There's a different variation of these two stories every single day. Another problem is forum experts. But that's a conversation I'll have another day.

Mechanic Hourly Rate should read like this

£40 an hour

£50 if you offer advice

£60 if you help

£70 if you or your mate have had a go

£80 if you or your mate have had a go and don't tell us

No charge if you tell me what wrong and you recon you're an expert go away and do it yourself

Almost everyone who asks me to look at their car knows a friend or relative who has also had a look, told some bullshit about what the problem is and came up with a price of how much it will cost to fix. Yet they still ask me to take a look...why? Then when I tell them something different and say I'll have to find the price of the parts etc. I usually get told "oh no it's OK I'll just get my friend to do it". Usually after that the car is off the road for 3 months while their 'friend' fixes it or it's sold on to cause someone else hassle.

You Guys should get VCDS it fixes cars magically "apparently"

Oh yeah, that's a peach when someone says "Doesn't the computer tell you what's wrong?"

"Yep. I'm just IT support now. The only reason that I'm here is to turn it on in the morning."

Morons.

I nipped this in the bud years ago with friends, although I still do close family-owned cars.

But some try working me in breakers yards - it starts off with asking for a spanner, but I can see they haven't got the first idea what they're doing, and refuse to get involved. It's not a social occasion, or an open day for free Labour.

Also, i get stoppers when working on my car. People just pull up and start chatting, or asking me how much i'll charge to do their clutch.. Wtf go and ask a garage.