I heard some of my sons friends call my wife a MILF, I found out this means Mothers Id Like to Fuck

So when I heard my teenage daughters friends say your dads FILF, I got a stiffy.

turns out they found my porn collection.....

why do midgets laugh when they run...? cause the grass tickles their balls

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor Who?....

A piece of string walks into a bar, goes up to the barman, and asks for a pint.

The barman says to the string: "Are you a piece of string?"

The string replies: "Yeah."

To which the barman replies: "We don't serve your type here!"

A second piece of string goes into a bar, up to the barman and asks for a pint.

The barman once again asks: "Are you a piece of string?"

The string replies with: "Yeah, whats the problem?"

The barman replies: "Get out! You're barred!" and declines the string his pint.

A battered piece of rope goes into a bar, up to the barman and asks for a pint.

The barman looked at him and asked: "Are you a piece of string?"

The rope replied with: "No I'm a frayed knot!"

Continuing on the pub theme.

A man walks into a bar with a rolled up piece of tarmac under his arm.

"What'll it be?" asks the barman

The man replied with: "I'll have a pint, and one for the road please."

I've heard one similar to that one above, but the last line was no, I'm a frayed knot

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

I walked through my kitchen the other night and I thought I heard Beegees music coming from my fridge.

I opened the fridge door and had a look and found it was just chives talking.

I have a joke

acctually i butter not tell you it

you might.. Spread it..

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? lickalotapuss

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasaurass

I'm here all day

An 18-year-old girl walks into a pub...

... rips off her clothes and asks: "Is there anyone here man enough to make a woman of me?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says:"Here, iron this!"

Statistics show that 1 in 20 people now live next door to a convicted paedophile... Not me though, I live next door to a couple of stunning 8 year olds.

Whats Blue & white, and if it fall out of a tree can kill you ??

Fridge with a denim jacket on

Whats Blue & white, and if it fall out of a tree can kill you ??

Fridge with a denim jacket on

What falls out of a tree and breaks your fridge...

Your fridge.

What did the necropheliac say to the paedophile???

You first.

Man goes to the shopping centre and parks his car. he comes back and realises that he has locked himself out, so he calls over the nearest person and they come over to help him,

The man says 'sorry mate, I'm locked out'

The stranger says 'no worries mate' and puts his hand in his pocket and rubs the lock. suddenly the car unlocks!

The man says, 'how did you do it?'

The stranger replies, ' i have my qhaki trousers on.

Edited 10 March, 201115 yr by James53mk4

Statistics show that 1 in 20 people now live next door to a convicted paedophile... Not me though, I live next door to a couple of stunning 8 year olds.

lol, put this as my facebook status, 14 people liked it, sick sick minded people.

Statistics show that 1 in 20 people now live next door to a convicted paedophile... Not me though, I live next door to a couple of stunning 8 year olds.

lol, put this as my facebook status, 14 people liked it, sick sick minded people.

Me to and with in 8 hours 13 people liked it lol.

French man,Englishman,Scotsman and an Irishman on board a plane which is about to crash.

there is only three parachutes and the Frenchman says " I am the greatest surgeon in all of France" he grabs a parachute and bails out. The Irishman says " Well I'm the brains of Ulster" grabs a pack and bails out.

The Englishman turns to the Scot and says " here is a parachute for you !" The Scot takes the chute and says to the Englishman " I'll take the parachute, but before I jump will you just tell me why you Englishmen are always so reserved and calm during a crisis?"

Oh ! replied the Englishman " That's an easy one to answer, You see the brains of Ulster has just jump out wearing my RUCKSACK!!"

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. can you believe that?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

I'm not homophobic. In fact I quite like my house!

^^Just got it and cracked up

What Bees make milk??

BOOBEES!

Ho,ho, ho.

Try this one:

Seamus went round to see his friend Paddy and was amazed to find him in the garagedancing round a grey Fergie naked and playing with himself.

"What the hell are you doing, Paddy?" asks Seamus

"Well" says Paddy, " To be truthful, things aren't going that well between the Missus and me in the bedroom department just recently. So I went to see a sex therapist and he told me to do something sexy to a tractor."

How do you disguise a horse with cheese?

Mascarpone

What did the mexican say to the cheese theif?

Nacho cheese!

What cheese would lure a bear out of a cave?

Camembert

Paddy and murphy driving down the road, paddy says look at that flock of cows, murphy replies heard of cows, then paddy said cors I've heard of cows there's a flock of them over ther :)

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape!