paddys walking home from a night out when he spots a man drowning in the river so he jumps him and pulls him out. the next day the police knock on paddys door and ask if he pulled a man from the river paddy says yess but i dont want a medal for it the policeman says well we haven't come to give you a medal we came to say you shouldnt of bothered he hanged himself to which paddy replies no he didnt i put him up there to dry

Paddy caught his wife having an affair, so decides to kill himself & her.

he puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife & says "Don't laugh, your next"

U.S Air Force jet flying along the southern Med coastline from Ejypt to the Ivory Coast, pilot sees a magic carpet flying along at each side of his jet. So he shoots them down. Gets back to base and is wrapped by bosses - apparently they were Allied Carpets.

Men are like women - both distrust men.

What is love? - The dillusion that one woman differs from another.

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive? Because turtles have tiny ears.

Got in a taxi today,he said "hi there,where to?" i said "alright mate,Beanhill?" he said "no I've been fine." then said "what part?" so i said "well all of me,preferably."

Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon? Yoko ducked.

Advice to single girls - dont look for a husband. Look for a batchelor.

Yeah they laughed when i said i was gonna be a commedian - they aint laughing now,are they!

Breaking news! A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked fuck out of Jimmy Somerville..

What have Arthur Scargill and Jimmy Saville got in common? They both shafted miners.

how do you make a plumber cry?

you kill his family

roses are black

violets are black

oh crap I'm blind

whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?

the holocaust .

Breaking news! A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked fuck out of Jimmy Somerville..

What have Arthur Scargill and Jimmy Saville got in common? They both shafted miners.

An Englishman and Irishman and a Scotsman are stranded in the desert without any food or water.

The Scotsman takes charge and says to the Englishman: "You go and search for food."

He says to the Irishman: "You find supplies. I'll find water."

He asks both of them to meet back with him in 4 hours time.

4 hours pass, and the Scotsman has come back with some water, closely followed by the Englishman with some food.

Half an hour later theres still no sign of the Irishman. The Scotsman and the Englishman are getting worried by this point. "Where's the supplies?" They ask eachother.

Immediately, the Irishman pops out from behind a bush shouting: "SUUUPPPPLLLIIIEEEESS!!!!!"

You mean a Chinese man!

I was told it by someone in Greece, so that bit might have been the bit lost in translation.

An old man sitting in a shopping centre watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours, green, red, orange & blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "whats the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did'nt bat an eyelid when he responded, " Got drunk once and had sex with a Peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up a nail, looks at it then throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy "Save 'em for the ceiling!!"

What did one ocean say to the other???

Nothing they just waved.

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Because they can't get the wrappers off.

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Because they can't get the wrappers off.

Wrong Polar bears only live at the North pole and Penguins at the South pole

Yeah Harris, what the fuck, that joke was horribly inaccurate!

2 crocodiles walk down the road. One says to the other "what's the long face for?"

I'm here all week...

How do you get a clown off a swing?

Put an axe in his face.

Four nuns are in a car driving to a nun convention when suddenly the devil jumps on the bonnet and starts scratching at the windscreen.

They all start screaming and one of the nuns in the back says "Sister Mary, swerve left and right. That might shake him off." So she swerves the car left and tight and the devil still holds on.

One of the other nuns says "Sister Mary, turn the wipers on and use the washers. That might work." So she does but this just makes the devil more angry and he holds on tight.

The third nun says "Sister Mary, show him your cross." So she leans out the window and shouts "GET THE FUCK OFF CAR!!!"

!m!

Edited 11 October, 201213 yr by maaarcooose

Just got my halloween outfit. Blonde wig, tracksuit, gold chain and cigar.

That should scare the little fuckers.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A successful farmer just died , and his very attractive wife which was not going to give up the business, put a ad in the paper in search for hard workers for her farm. A few people came by for the job, but after talking to them one after the other , she chose the guy which looked very strong and also admitted he was gay, he would also stay there for the whole season.

After a few days of hard work the widow was so impressed by the guys hard work, she told him:look it's Saturday, take some money here ,and you may go to the city and have some fun. He was very glad and took the money.

But it was already 1 in the morning and the guy had not returned, she was worrying , but at 3 he opened the front door and was startled when he saw the woman.

She took his hand and brought him to her room....she said...take off my blouse, he did after a few seconds...than she said..take off my jeans and my bra....he did....and then she said: don't you ever wear my clothes and go to the city without asking me....haha lol.....

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French idiot again"

Bush phoned Poetin from Russia. He Said: Poetin i have a huge problem man, all our condom factories or on strike, we need 5 million condoms this week, can you deliver them for us. Poetin says, no problem...our companies are at full capacity....5 million condoms will be delivered this week asap. Bush proudly says, but note they should be 22cm (9 inches). Poetin, a little irritated says, it will be done.

Poetin phones his minister of health, he says, i need delivered 5 million condoms to the US, lenght 22 cm. The minister of health says ...wow 22 cm....Poetin says yeah but write the following on them:

Made in Russia

22 cm (9 inches)

Size: SMALL

Edited 11 October, 201213 yr by mixmasterlooney

fat wife walks into the kitchen and says "didnt you hear me fall down the stairs?" Husband says "sorry love i thought it was the start of eastenders :)

Just bumped into my ex girlfriend...At 50...In my jeep, didn't stick around for a catch up though.

Love the tunnel joke!