it was so bad that to start with I thought it may actually be for a coupe and not a square! so I've 'kind of' got it on, but not all of the top bolts, I just can't make the bumper reach. Is there a cunning knack to it or should I go down the scrappy with fifteen quid and a box of jaffa cakes?

id always go 2nd hand genuine over pattern parts

I've had nothing but problems with pattern parts in the past

they need some bending/manipulation but look ok once on - usually need squeezing in on the sides

I'd guess it was a 2 man job. Not because its hard just cause its a big bendy bastard and would be more sturdy with 2 people on it!

Fitting new bumpers, even genuine ones, can be a shit job. Old ones are fine, they've been in the same position for 15 years. New ones are never going to be perfect, and usually need to be held in place while you do individual bolts up. Get a helper

I'd guess it was a 2 man job.

This was the only way my front bumper could be fitted. Even then, it was so determined to revert back its own desired shape, it smashed one of the retaining clips on the wing. Get a second pair of hands and keep 'persuading' to go on. The new ones will turn up nicer with a bit of bumper care than any used one from a scrappy would.